The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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