i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Be still, my beating vagina.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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