I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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