so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
