mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
