the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
