he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize