his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
we made out on top of his cat.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
