if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
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