fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
