i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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