there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
