the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Randomize
