i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
