No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize