Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
