So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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