I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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