How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I think pants incapable of making pants work
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
