So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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