I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
This is my gift to your gina
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
