i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
