Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I am naked and annoyed.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
