There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
