I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
