I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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