Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
