Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
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