so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
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