R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
