I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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