i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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