So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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