Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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