I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
