worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
