Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize