I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Ambien. No doubt about it.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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