using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Randomize
