If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
