I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
