i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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