if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
