I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
