textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
He passed out mid-signature
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
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