U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Randomize