I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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