my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
