i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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