You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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