When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize