Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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