Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Damn victory sex feels great
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
