I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
