So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I just had sex on a roof
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
