I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
