It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
