Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
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