I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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