I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
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