I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
